Callum came through the Venture Scotland programme in 2019 and went on to become one of the organisation’s first ambassadors and an active volunteer. He now helps advise the Scottish government’s suicide prevention strategy group and works with the Change Mental Health group in Edinburgh, supporting people with their mental health.
I enlisted in the Army when I was 17 and served for two-and-a-half years. I was based in Germany and had stints in Cyprus and Kenya, before we got moved back to the UK, to the garrison base at Catterick, in north Yorkshire.
But on a training exercise out at Faslane in west Scotland, I got injured and broke my right leg. People forgot to do ‘drills and skills’, as it was called. I was meant to hand my weapon over a wall to someone. But the person in front left me, so I had to vault the wall with a weapon in my hand. It went into my leg and broke it.
It didn’t feel traumatic at the time but then coming out of the Army aged 19, going on 20, and not processing it meant it became more of a stickling problem. I had three months of physio and rehabilitation before the Army decided it was not worth their while to keep trying to get my leg better.
I got two weeks of support about rehabilitating into civilian life and some funding for some training. That was the extent of it, because I didn’t serve the minimum four years. They were quite abrupt with me because they didn’t see me as a ‘full-timer’. It was a case of ‘That’s it. Bye’.
You could probably trace the start of my mental health issues to that. I did what most typical young males did. I went into a job – in scaffolding – just to make money. I did that for a couple of years, ignoring my mental health and getting involved in drink and drugs.
A lot of things came to a head towards the end of 2018 – not processing my own trauma and not realising I was depressed and anxious. I had become quite isolated and had an episode of psychosis, when I attempted to take my own life. That’s how I ended up in hospital.
I didn’t feel good when I didn’t succeed. Afterwards, in my head, I still didn’t want to live. For a while I felt there was no point getting better, because that wasn’t the goal. In my Army days, I lost a number of friends to suicide. It is quite a common thing in the circles I run in.
I was quite lucky ending up in an NHS team in Glasgow called Esteem. That’s when my recovery started. I spent three months in hospital, just dealing with why I was in a psychosis and what led to that, looking at the whole picture.
After that I had a couple of months of home intensive care – they would come and see me, or I would go and see them at the hospital. I had some counselling and therapy but it didn’t really benefit me in the overall picture. They referred me to Venture Scotland because they thought that was a better fit for me, as it was in the outdoors.
I completed the VS programme in November 2019, and then became one of the organisation’s first ambassadors. It was through VS that I learned that I am not the labels above my head. I am a real human being and have real emotions and real problems, and I am not alone in having those problems.
Maybe it’s something to do with the old idea that ‘men are men, we don’t have feelings, we hide them’. But a lot of men still struggle to talk openly about their mental health with friends and family or colleagues. There is that fear that if they talk about it, they are going to be sectioned, which generally isn’t the case. But it is a fear of not knowing how it is going to come out or how people will react.
I had to drag myself kicking and screaming to a point where I became able to talk about it – not positively but in a controlled manner, where I am not just trauma dumping, or feeling like I am over-sharing or under-sharing. It is about adjusting it to the conversation I’m having at that point in time and making sure it is not too heavy for myself as well, so it is a productive conversation when I use my lived experience.
I started working with a Youth Advisory Panel to the Scottish government on suicide prevention. There were people who had been in care growing up, people who had mental health issues from a young age but didn’t realise it, people like myself – a wide spectrum from teenagers up to the age of 26 or 27.
We also did some peer support work within that, understanding we are sharing difficult parts of our past and having difficult conversations about the language used around suicide, having that lived experience at the heart of the advice.
More recently I have been working with Suicide Prevention Scotland, on their Lived Experience Panel. We were recently shown a list of different at-risk groups. Suicide is the biggest killer for young men under the age of 40, which is quite a shocking fact.
That is a big reason why I joined the panel – to make sure there is a young male voice and a champion for men to be able to speak out about their mental health, either through peer support or professional channels.
I also work with Change Mental Health on their signature project, for men in Edinburgh who have experienced PTSD and trauma. I bring my own experience and help the men see it is possible to recover and find new things to enjoy in life.
That involves some one-to-one support, where I accompany someone to the gym or the shops, or just for a walk, to have that emotional support. I also help run a couple of groups so men can come along and sit in a room full of other men who understand what they are going through, but they don’t have to talk about it. It is about having that safe space to have a giggle and not take life too seriously.
I am quite different to a lot of people who talk about recovery. Some people will say you can recover from mental health issues. But since I have PTSD, I will always live with that part of the trauma.
It doesn’t hit me as bad as it used to, when I was really bad, but it still gets to me. I still have my triggers. It can get a bit overwhelming at times, especially around anniversaries of certain traumatic events.
But I have learned how to manage it more evenly, and in a positive light. I wouldn’t be able to do the jobs I have tried since leaving VS without being able to keep it stable.
Instead of going straight for the drink and drugs, I will go for a walk and reflect, making sure I take time for myself during those periods. I don’t force myself to go to work or do something I don’t want to do.
I understand it is OK to sit with that feeling for a while. It is as much a part of me as the good parts. I remind myself it is OK to have these bad days and if I do feel like that, I’ve got this support network now who I will get in touch with for support and counselling if I need it. I feel this has what has put me in the role I am in and made me who I am today.
If you have reached a point where you feel like taking your own life, take the time to look after yourself and remind yourself there is always someone there who will care for you. Learn the early signs of depression and trauma or mental illness, so you realise if you’re going down that road. Learn about yourself. A lot of people don’t seem to do that until it is too late.
EXTRA INFORMATION
Suicide is the leading cause of death in Scotland among 15-34-year-olds. There are clear links between poverty and suicide. The suicide rate across Scotland was three times higher in the most deprived areas compared to the least deprived.
Venture Scotland works with Scotland’s most marginalised young people aged 16-30 to lower these worrying statistics. Our long-term, outdoor personal development programme supports young people to increase their confidence, build and maintain positive relationships and feel hope for the future.
As a charity, we fundraise to cover our programme costs. All support of our work is greatly appreciated and helps us to continue our life saving work.